August 27, 2012

My garden is dead.

Not that it helps to whine about it.  But I had to complain just a little.

Yet another perk of being checked into the hospital at the end of July.  You get to put in all the work and money of planting and weeding and watering, without enjoying any of the fruits of your labor.

I had 3 tomato plants, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, jalapenos, mint, basil, rosemary, bay, thyme, and oregano. And a eucalyptus house plant.

All crunchy now.

Anyway, enough whining.

Things are going quite well here.  Ollie got to go to the fair several times last week, and he still, daily, requests, "I go fair tonight."  If you egg him on a bit, he'll proceed to tell you all about the different animals he saw there, and their respective noises.  I heard that he liked the poultry and bunny barns the best, I think because those animals are a little more his size.  I think he was surprised to see that cows are much larger than his figurines in real life. And he was rightfully scared of the goats as well. Those things still give me the creeps, what, with their rectangular pupils and all.

I think Ollie has gotten in a good routine at my mom's house, and is doing well there.  They come to see me several times a week, and he does so well while he's here.  It must be hard for a two year old to spend all day in a little room, but he is so good at keeping himself occupied.

Our little girl is doing very well.  I've been crocheting some more things for her.  I finished the afghan I was working on, and have completed most of a cardigan.  The light in my room is so terrible, and my camera on my phone has seen better days, so I might wait until I get home and have some natural light and a good camera before I post any pictures.  I made a few little hats as well, but not knowing what size she'll be when she's born, it's hard to know what to make.  Most everything I've made or bought has been in a newborn or 0-3 month size, because I figure she'll probably fit into those sizes for most of the winter.  She could surprise us and be a big girl, but considering that Ollie was 6 lb 14 oz, and a week overdue, I'm not expecting that.

It looks now as if we will be making it to 34 weeks, which would mean I will probably be delivering between September 27th and October 1st.  A Fellow (above a resident, below an attending) came in the other day and acted like we would be going further that that by a few weeks.  I pretty much lost my head, because the thought of being here through September is hard enough, adding October on top of that is too overwhelming.  But my attending physician came in on Saturday and cleared that right up.  I guess that 34 weeks seems to be the perfect balance point between having a baby too prematurely and having too great a risk of vessel or placental rupture. So, 34 weeks it is.  Barring any unpredicted emergencies before then.

We have a few 3D ultrasound pictures that captured part of the baby's face, and I have them tacked up on the closet door, which is at the foot of my bed.  Looking at her, feeling her move, makes me feel closer to her.  This is such a different experience than I had with Ollie.  I think with him I just had no idea what to expect, or how to bond with him before he was born.  I still don't really know, but sitting here leaves me a lot of time to think about her, and how special she must be to deserve all of this attention before she's even born.

I think it will be something that always bothers me, that I never got to have a normal natural labor.  I feel a little bit robbed of that opportunity that comes so easily to so many.  I always thought that having children would be something that was easy for me, but I guess that my body just wasn't cut out for it.  I've grown up thinking that my life would be spent having and raising children.  But really, if I live to be in my eighties, I will have only spent 1/4 of my time here doing that.  This baby will be going to college when I'm 43.  I know that parenthood doesn't end there by any means, but the kind of parenting I imagined as being my life's work does.  I guess I need to find some more things to do with my life.  Any suggestions?

More school? Gardening?  Bowling league?

I'm sure there will be more fulfilling things than those.

If you've come to see me since I've been here, I've probably already had that conversation with you.  Maybe I'm dwelling on it a bit too much.  I do feel like I'm going to have to forge a new path for myself though.  I'm going to have a lot of time to fill.

I know that I haven't been the most engaging blogger lately.  My life is very boring right now, so there isn't much that I can think of to write about except my thoughts.  Which I'm sure is not very interesting.  Additionally, I have a lot of time, so I have to restrain myself from blogging all the time about every complaint I have.  Instead, you get a readers digest version each week.  Lucky you.


Vallen Family said...

It's funny because I'm going through the dilemma of what to do next. I thought that I would be busy right now getting ready for our next baby, instead I'm...not doing school...being a mom, then what? I didn't expect the "having children" phase to be over already. Good thing the "raising" phase lasts so much longer :) You are doing an amazing job getting through the days. I've said my goodbyes to summer and have asked for fall to blow by quickly. It is going to be Oct 1st before we know it.

alyssa said...

i like your blog amanda. i definitely don't think you complain on here. i think it's good you're recording all of your thoughts. you should open a bakery!