May 25, 2009


It's obviously been a really hard week for us. The weirdest thing for me is telling myself I'm not pregnant anymore. Oh yeah- I can go to the hot tub. Oh yeah- I can button my pants. Oh yeah- I can eat as much tuna as I want. I'm not pregnant. Every time I say it to myself, it's like a dagger that gets twisted a little deeper inside.

Not to mention the real-live hurting that can't seem to go away. Maybe that will stop in a week or two.

On the bright side of things, I know that this is how things are meant to be. I never ever question God's decisions, including this one. I know that there was a reason why this needed to happen, and we have a few very wonderful women that I know are taking care of my sweet baby until I can get back there.

I've heard people say, "I don't know why it would be so sad to have a miscarriage," and to be honest, until it happened I didn't even fully understand what it would feel like. Eventhough you don't realize it, you're attached to the little life growing inside of you. You created it. It's part of you. And losing it is losing a piece of you.

I can't at all say that this is anything like losing a child that was born and you held in your arms and fed and sang to. But I think there are similarities. From the moment you find out you're pregnant, your dreams begin to change and you begin to think of things in terms of a family. Where they will sleep, what they will wear, and oh yeah- you'll need a car with 4 doors, so you better start saving for that. Then things change, and you have to rethink your future.

I know that we will get pregnant again soon. But that doesn't mean that I'm OK with not having this baby. It's a different child that I will have, and I will never get the first one back while I'm here on this earth. But it's part of God's plan, I'm sure of that.

The biggest blessing that has come from all of this has been the huge outpouring of love we've felt over the last few days. Everyone has really been there for us and been understanding. I sincerely thank all of you for being so kind. It means a lot, and makes it easier to bare knowing that you have so many wonderful people behind you.

In case you're wondering what happened, the nurse told us that it appeared that the baby was not developing correctly. Why it happened so late, we don't know. I trust that my body took care of things when it was supposed to. The nurse also said it was a boy.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks, and to get a few things out. It's been difficult, and I think it will still be an open wound for quite some time. However, God can heal all of our wounds, as long as we let him, and I can already feel Him healing mine.


Edlin said...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

The G Fam said...

It is losing a child Amanda. It may not have been a child you held in your arms, but it was child you held in your hearts. The biggest piece of advice is to allow yourself time to mourn. I have just given you permission. Allow yourself to be angry, to be sad, to experience any emotion you need to. Do not let anyone around you make you feel that this is anything besides the loss that it is. This child held potential, held a hope for memories, firsts, and lots of love, and that is hard to let go for now. Love you guys.

aandkhousewright said...

you are amazing, amanda! you are so strong and i look up to you so much! the pain will fade with time... i promise!

Rebecca said...

Good evening sweet Amanda. I am sincerely sorry for your loss. I understand your feelings since I had to mourn the loss of all my children after my cancer. Please consider grief counseling. It helped me to understand my emotions. We often try to be strong, but we really do need to allow ourselves to grieve. You are in my prayers.

Megan said...

I wish I could say something to help heal your heart a little bit. We love you.

mom said...

The hurt never really goes away, but at some point it changes over and the day will come when you will be able to focus on how happy you are that you will have the chance to raise this child in the next life. And you will be among many other moms who are rejoicing to be able to raise the children they didn't get to raise on this earth. You are such a strong amazing daughter. I hope you have a daughter just like you!!! Then you will know how lucky I am!!!