January 7, 2013

Getting along nicely

It's been funny for me, getting back into things. It's been 3 1/2 months, and life still doesn't feel normal. I'm not sure what I expect normal to feel like. Easy? Comfortable? If so, it might be a while. But things are wonderful. The cliche is unfortunately true, you don't know what you've got till its gone, (or almost gone). I feel like I have a new set of eyes. Rose colored glasses, or maybe glasses that let me see a rosy world. A blessing for me in the midst of a lot of turmoil.

Each night after Justin puts him to bed, Ollie calls for me to come snuggle with him. What used to be an annoying part of the routine, or something I considered a bad habit, is now the sweetest part of my day. Ollie says such sweet things, things I would miss if I didn't take that time. And I can tell that he feels loved and safe with me, I'm just so grateful I'm still here with him.

I like keeping a clean house, and having dinner ready on time, but lately those things have fallen by the wayside. Right now, there's laundry to be folded and vacuuming to be done, but Aeris is asleep on my lap. Knowing that this is the last time I'll be able to snuggle my own newborn baby makes me want to enjoy it so much more. I love being a mom, I love being here with my babies. It's really hard, but not having it, even just for a little while, makes me love it even more.

People always ask how I'm feeling, or if everything is healed, and then they say , "But that's all in the past now."

It is, and it isn't.

I'm home. I'm alive. The biggest crisis was averted. My girl is here, and growing like a weed. But I'm still trying to digest it all. I still have a 12 inch scar across my abdomen and the array of aches and pains that comes from a surgery like that. I have a huge bruise on my arm from a blown IV during an iron infusion that could take years to go away. My wrists are polka dotted with scars from IVs, and I still have bad dreams. It will probably take years for me to fully accept this new normal. To be OK with a new plan for life, and to not feel pain every time I look at my scars (19 new ones in all).

So yes, I'm feeling much better, thank you, and compared to how I felt the weekend after, I could be Super Woman. There are still things to be overcome, and things to heal. More than I thought there would be. But I am so grateful to have this second chance, these new eyes, this beautiful life.

Our Savior still has His scars, and He kept them so that we would recognize him when we see Him. Throughout the accumulation of my scars, I think the Savior has come to know me better as well. When all else has failed, He has made a way for me to trudge through. I hope that when I see him, I will recognize his scars, and He will recognize mine, and we will know each other for those things we've been through together. And on an infinitely small scale, I have begun to understand His suffering for me just a little more.

What a strange life this is to experience so many emotions in one event. Both of my children's deliveries have been surrounded with fear and anxiety, while also being filled with the usual excitement and joy of new life. I wanted so much to feel untempered joy with a birth, but it didn't happen, and that's fine. Instead I think I feel a larger measure of gratitude than I would have felt.

Ollie is the sweetest kid I've ever seen. Today he had some M&Ms as a reward for getting his hair cut, and he saved the last one to "Give to baby Aeris when she gets bigger. Is she bigger now?" He is very into imaginative play, and frequently makes us cake or pizza to our specifications. He loves to sing, and has pretty good rhythm. He's great at sharing and recently got his 2 year molars. No potty training yet, but I'm not pushing it. I need to be able to handle that kind of mess first.

Aeris is growing like a weed, and sleeping great. She nurses well and is very pleasant and content. She's very different from Ollie is many ways, but looks a lot like him.

Life is good!


alyssa said...

you are indeed superwoman amanda. i love your strength and your passion for motherhood. i love what you just said about our Savior. it is so true...

Rachel C said...

What a wonderful example you are and great reminder to appreciate the small things with our children. You are awesome! I love all the darling pictures too.

Emily@Little Forever Family said...

I do not think it will ever be something you forget and move on from. I think we move away from it, just because of time, but our hardest trials are meant to be there for us to learn and remember. As much as my experiences with Ryker were so painful, I would not trade them for anything, because I learned so much. And Lilly taught me how important family was, and taking each moment and making sure those we love know it. It hurts to not have them, and I understand what it is like to potentially have Jacob be my last biological baby and the pain from wanting more, but I think it makes me that much more sensitive to other's suffering. I hope this made sense.